Supporting children and young people through relationship breakdown.
When parents no longer love each other and decide to live apart, a child can feel as if their world has been turned upside down. The level of upset the child feels can vary depending on how their parents separated, the age of the child, how much they understand, and the support they get from parents, family and friends.
Emotional and behavioural problem
Emotional and behavioural problems in children are more common when their parents are fighting or separating.
Children can become very insecure.
Insecurity can cause children to behave like they are much younger and therefore bedwetting, ‘clinginess’, nightmares, worries or disobedience can all occur. This behaviour often happens before or after visits to the parent who is living apart from the family.
Teenagers may show their distress by misbehaving or withdrawing into themselves. They may find it difficult to concentrate at school
|A child may feel:
These feelings are often made worse by the fact that many children have to move home and sometimes school when parents separate, and most families in this situation come under some financial strain, even if they did not have money worries before.
Even if the parental relationship had been very tense or violent, children may still have mixed feelings about the separation. Many children hold onto a wish that their parents may get back together.
Whatever has gone wrong in the relationship, both parents still have a very important part to play in their child’s life.
Parents who are separating can help their children. They should:
- Make sure that the children know they still have two parents who love them, and will continue to care for them;
- Protect their children from adult worries and responsibilities;
- Make it clear that the responsibility for what is happening is the parents’ – and not the children’s’.
These things will help your child:
- Be open and talk. Your child not only needs to know what is going on, but needs to feel that it’s OK to ask questions.
- Reassure them that they will still be loved and cared for by both parents.
- Make time to spend with your child.
- Be reliable about arrangements to see your child.
- Show that you are interested in your child’s views, but make it clear that parents are responsible for the decisions.
- Carry on with the usual activities and routines, like seeing friends and members of the extended family.
- Make as few changes as possible. This will help your child feel that, in spite of the difficulties, loved ones still care about them and that life can be reasonably normal.
It is important not to pull your child into the conflict. The following tips may be useful.
- Ask your child to take sides: “who would you like to live with, darling?”
- Ask your child what the other parent is doing
- Use your child ‘as a weapon’ to get back at your ex-partner
- Criticise your ex-partner
- Expect your child to take on the role of your ex-partner.
If you are finding it difficult to help your child cope, you may want to seek outside help. Your general practitioner will be able to offer support and advice. Some families may need specialist help from the local child and adolescent mental health service. However, if managed sensitively, most children can adapt well to their new circumstances and do not have difficulties in the longer term
Action for Children – Support families through divorce, bereavement and children’s behavioural problems.
Citizens Advice Bureau – Your local branch is listed in the telephone directory.
Divorce Aid – Run by an independent group of professionals it provides advice, support and information on all aspects of divorce. It has specialised sections for both young children and teenagers, enabling them to recognise and deal with emotions that arise from separation and divorce.
Family Lives – Parentline offers help and advice to parents on bringing up children and teenagers, tel: 0808 800 2222.
National Family Mediation – An organisation specifically set up to help families who are separating. It has a useful booklist, which includes books for children of different ages.
Relate – offers a range of services to help families and couples going through separation and divorce.
The Children’s Society – Produces a series of leaflets for children and parents.
The Money Advice Service – Information and advice on the financial aspects of divorce, separation or civil partnership dissolution, including an interactive calculator to help manage finances, work put what you have and owe, and consider how you might split what you have.